Every year, MTV tries to deliver a stellar awards show for music videos, as if they actually gave a fuck about music videos after replacing them all with knocked-up stranger bitches and awkward teenagers with social issues. No matter how hard they try though, the awards show always end up being a shitshow sprinkled with good performances here and there. Last night’s show was no exception. The entire thing looked like it was conceived by unpaid MTV interns in a week. We were promised huge things and all we got was a slew of shit.
One of the biggest disappointments of the night was Lady Gaga. The fact that I can still love her after pulling some tryhard shit like she did last night tells me I am a saint. We were promised something out of this world from Gaga, and all we got was the bitch looking like Ralph Macchio and some extremely uncomfortable method acting. We were shown amazing teasers and all we got was Gaga trying so hard to pass of Flöp&I as a hit that I thought she was gonna shit her trousers on stage. There’s no doubting that she’s an amazing performer, but NOTHING can save that shit song. Had she gone the jazzy route shown in the commercials, maybe she could have been vindicated, but instead she chose the overproduced route, crashed and burned. I’m not sure how many more times I can build my hopes up for her and have them torn down before I just give up on her.
Another major flop of the night was Jessie J, the entertainer for the night. Whoever the fuck made the decision to have the wounded basic bitch at the show needs to be fired. Jessie J was as appealing as tepid carton milk. She warbled her way through cover songs as she plopped her ass down on a fucking chair. Who did she think she was, Adele!? I honestly felt bad for her, though. Watching Jessie J perform with a broken foot was like watching your old dog play in the yard with a lame foot. It was pitiful and I hope they did the world a favor by taking her out back after the performance and putting her down, shotgun style.
Another flop of the night was Sabi, who fell flat (quite literally, musically speaking) during her performance with Cobra Starship. Not only was she sporting shit straight out of the female clearance bin of the nearest Kohls, but it seems like she missed rehearsals for the performance. She looked like she was improvising every step she took, and that run with the fist pump gave me so much secondhand embarrassment that I needed to look away. At some point of the shitshow, she squats down on the stage while she yells the lyrics, as if she needed to signal to everyone that she was taking a dump during the performance. I can’t deal with this bitch flopping on everyone else’s songs anymore. Sabi, please crawl back into whatever deep, dark hole you crawled out from and stay there.
The most horrifying and messy flop of the night, however, is Katy Perry. She tweeted that she was drinking tequila before the award show even started, and what ensued last night was a drunken shitshow like no other. Not only did she look HORRID in that asian getup with that cotton candy puke-colored hair, she was visibly drunk and acting like the annoying drunk chick at the party that tries to talk to everyone but keeps on getting ignored. She must have figured out that even though she was nominated for 9 awards, she would have her wig snatched with the fervor of an angry god by Britney Spears and/or Beyoncé and had to up the ante.
The video above is seriously the most uncomfortable award speech I have ever seen. No one can deny the fact that Katy Perry is pop music’s biggest sellout, and the fact that she worked with Kanye West on a song demonstrates the audacious hypocrisy that is her schtick. With all the grace of a spayed cat still under the effects of the anesthesia, Katy Perry walked up on that stage and took the night’s biggest shit on it, embarrassing herself and everyone associated with her. How the fuck are you gonna assume one of the world’s greatest entertainers has never won a fucking MTV moonman!? Yeezy did not hesitate to correct her the minute that contrived assumption escaped her lips, and rightfully so. She also referenced the Taylor Swift incident, which was incredibly rude. Katy Perry’s fake ass should apologize for her ridiculous behavior and hand in her wig, since Kanye was benevolent enough to let it sit on her head after that basic ass comment.
With the shitshow that these four bitches provided, I can’t imagine what next year will have in store for us. Hopefully some of these flops are long forgotten and MTV can provide us with more terrible material for us to laugh at.
Best and Worst Fashion of the MTV VMAs 2011 Black Carpet
There’s really no other way to say it: last night on the black carpet, some stars looked gorgeous in their outfits, and others looked fucking tragic. Whenever I watch award shows, I usually don’t pay much attention to what most of the stars are wearing. However, when some celebrities look like they were styled by a Fashion School intern on acid after watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, one can’t help but wonder what the fuck was going on in their head. Who is telling these people that they look good when they walk out of their homes? Whoever it is, please fire them promptly and have them murdered if you can.
Let’s start with the best of the night. Britney Spears came out looking radiant, donning an all black outfit and heels. It was a simple look and definitely worked, slimming down her muscular legs and all. Beyoncé also looked stunning and also went the simple route by wearing a wavy gown that just seemed to flow so nicely on her bangin’ figure. She looked ethereal and like a goddess (which she is). Demi Lovato also gets a thumbs up from me for her silver dress, which fit her so perfectly and brought out all of her curves in all of the right places.
Next, we have the completely forgettable basic bitches. What most people fail to accept is that even if the outfit is jaw-droppingly gorgeous, it won’t be if the bitch wearing it is basic as fuck. The two prime examples of this are Kelly Rowland and Kim Kardashian, two of this blog’s most hated basic bitches. Rowland’s dress looked nice enough, but she carried it with all of the swag of a damp dishrag. She seriously looks like a fucking cardboard cutout in the picture above, and I’m surprised she even managed to get a picture taken of her without someone asking her to bring them a drink. Kim Kardashian also looks basic as fuck in that wannabe Demi dress. The bitch better be on her period, because she looked bloated as fuck and huge in that dress.
Some celebrities also dropped jaws, but not in a good way. Nicki Minaj came out looking like she got a 3-year-old Japanese kid to dress her using only items from a toy store. Nicki, I know you’re a bad bitch, but the muzzle wasn’t a good idea. British basic bitch Jessie J also gave us a WTF moment when she showed up in whatever the fuck she calls the outfit above. What was she thinking when she decided to do the show after getting hit by Lady Gaga’s tour bus? Showing up in crutches and a cast was not a good look, you bum bitch.
The two worst dressed of the night really managed to make me angry. First up to bat is Deena Cortese of Jersey Shore. What.the.FUCK.were.you.THINKING!? She looks like a bottle of olive oil with Magic Color Sand in it! I want that dress burned IMMEDIATELY (preferrably while she is still wearing it). She couldn’t even find a clutch purse to match with it, so she must’ve downed some tequila, grabbed the first clutch she spotted in her closet and was out the door. Her hair is also a fucking mess, and looks like her clumsy ass fell down a flight of stairs head-first. The entire getup is gag-inducing and one of the worst outfits i’ve seen ever in my life.
I don’t really know where to begin with Kreayshawn. I really don’t know why the fuck she was nominated for Best New Artist and I think she looks all-around raggedy in general. Last night though, she made a goddamn fool of herself when she staggered onto the Black Carpet looking like she did. She looks like a diseased hooker on the streets of New York. The Mickey Mouse print dress she wore looks like it’s straight out of a clearance bin in Chinatown and the choice of footwear was the cherry on top of this disaster sundae she calls an outfit. I LOVE tattoos, but her tattoos are so trashy and would’ve been better off covered up. She looks like she’s about to pick up her welfare check and wanted to show off to all the other bitches in line.
All in all, everyone makes mistakes and not all of us can be a Britney or a Beyoncé, but come the fuck on. Put some effort into your outfits bitches! You’re supposed to be inspiring girls all over the world to foster self-hatred for not looking like you, so dress the part.
Queens of pop. All other bitches can sit the fuck down.
The only persona this bitch has with the ability to snatch wigs.
The full list of MTV’s VMAs 2011 nominations have come out, and I have not felt this disturbed by an unveiling since Christina Aguilera tried to pass the ‘Not Myself Tonight’ video as an actual music video. The feeling is shared by many, as the trending topic #vmanominationfailure is trending as I write this. The nominations have, in my humble opinion, solidified MTV’s VMAs as the most basic of award shows ever.
Let’s start with the good. Beyoncé received three nominations for ‘Run the World (girls)’ and the categories that the video was nominated in were appropriate (Best Cinematography, Best Choreography and Best Female Video). Britney Spears received two nominations for ‘Till the World Ends.’ Lady Gaga also received three nominations for both ‘Judas’ and ‘Born This Way’ (a song that everyone knows I particularly despise but won’t deny its success). Unfortunately, this is as far as the good goes.
Before I start on with what I think is wrong with these nominations, let me first say that the VMAs still stand for VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS (unless MTV decided to drop the acronym status of the VMAs as well, like they did for the acronym MTV when they stopped pretending like they still cared about music). Simply because a song is catchy or good does not mean it should automatically receive nominations if the video is fucking terrible.
First off, WHY did Adele receive so many nominations for the ‘Rolling in the Deep’ video? Yes, I am aware the song is good (and played out to death). Just so we’re clear though, THIS is the video:
It’s a fucking video of vibrating cups of water, a woman sporting one of the worst hairstyles I have ever laid eyes upon sitting down and what I imagine to be a samurai practicing alone in some dusty ass room. How is this much more worthy of video of the year than ‘Hold it Against Me’ (where Britney has a fight scene against herself and has some of the best dancing she’s done in a while) or Gaga’s ‘Judas’ (where she takes the biblical story and revamps the style without managing to push everyone’s buttons)? Maybe Adele can finally release a video for her alleged second single, ‘Set Fire to the Rain’ and lay her ass down on a dusty ass matress on the streets of Tottenham and belt the song while a trapeze artist practices his work on a nearby tree and a hot dog stand trembles down the block? She’ll be sure to win over MTV next year, too!
What has to be the most appalling abscence on this year’s nomination list is Rihanna. Rihanna released quite a few videos this year (Only Girl, What’s My Name, S&M, Who’s that Chick, California King Bed and Man Down), and a majority of them were huge hits. Why did she get ZERO nominations, then? How did this video not receive a nomination?
I’m not even a Rihanna stan and I can definitely say that her lack of nominations is a complete insult. The woman is a chart-topping powerhouse and goes through as many #1 Hot 100 spots as Adele does packs of cigarettes.
MTV, your basicity levels are off the fucking charts right now. If you wanna give us the expected by nominating Katy Perry and Adele for everything, then go ahead. Just know that your basic ass programming and decision-making skills haven’t been relevant for quite some time now, and from the looks of it, won’t be steering towards relevancy anytime soon.