Every year, MTV tries to deliver a stellar awards show for music videos, as if they actually gave a fuck about music videos after replacing them all with knocked-up stranger bitches and awkward teenagers with social issues. No matter how hard they try though, the awards show always end up being a shitshow sprinkled with good performances here and there. Last night’s show was no exception. The entire thing looked like it was conceived by unpaid MTV interns in a week. We were promised huge things and all we got was a slew of shit.
One of the biggest disappointments of the night was Lady Gaga. The fact that I can still love her after pulling some tryhard shit like she did last night tells me I am a saint. We were promised something out of this world from Gaga, and all we got was the bitch looking like Ralph Macchio and some extremely uncomfortable method acting. We were shown amazing teasers and all we got was Gaga trying so hard to pass of Flöp&I as a hit that I thought she was gonna shit her trousers on stage. There’s no doubting that she’s an amazing performer, but NOTHING can save that shit song. Had she gone the jazzy route shown in the commercials, maybe she could have been vindicated, but instead she chose the overproduced route, crashed and burned. I’m not sure how many more times I can build my hopes up for her and have them torn down before I just give up on her.
Another major flop of the night was Jessie J, the entertainer for the night. Whoever the fuck made the decision to have the wounded basic bitch at the show needs to be fired. Jessie J was as appealing as tepid carton milk. She warbled her way through cover songs as she plopped her ass down on a fucking chair. Who did she think she was, Adele!? I honestly felt bad for her, though. Watching Jessie J perform with a broken foot was like watching your old dog play in the yard with a lame foot. It was pitiful and I hope they did the world a favor by taking her out back after the performance and putting her down, shotgun style.
Another flop of the night was Sabi, who fell flat (quite literally, musically speaking) during her performance with Cobra Starship. Not only was she sporting shit straight out of the female clearance bin of the nearest Kohls, but it seems like she missed rehearsals for the performance. She looked like she was improvising every step she took, and that run with the fist pump gave me so much secondhand embarrassment that I needed to look away. At some point of the shitshow, she squats down on the stage while she yells the lyrics, as if she needed to signal to everyone that she was taking a dump during the performance. I can’t deal with this bitch flopping on everyone else’s songs anymore. Sabi, please crawl back into whatever deep, dark hole you crawled out from and stay there.
The most horrifying and messy flop of the night, however, is Katy Perry. She tweeted that she was drinking tequila before the award show even started, and what ensued last night was a drunken shitshow like no other. Not only did she look HORRID in that asian getup with that cotton candy puke-colored hair, she was visibly drunk and acting like the annoying drunk chick at the party that tries to talk to everyone but keeps on getting ignored. She must have figured out that even though she was nominated for 9 awards, she would have her wig snatched with the fervor of an angry god by Britney Spears and/or Beyoncé and had to up the ante.
The video above is seriously the most uncomfortable award speech I have ever seen. No one can deny the fact that Katy Perry is pop music’s biggest sellout, and the fact that she worked with Kanye West on a song demonstrates the audacious hypocrisy that is her schtick. With all the grace of a spayed cat still under the effects of the anesthesia, Katy Perry walked up on that stage and took the night’s biggest shit on it, embarrassing herself and everyone associated with her. How the fuck are you gonna assume one of the world’s greatest entertainers has never won a fucking MTV moonman!? Yeezy did not hesitate to correct her the minute that contrived assumption escaped her lips, and rightfully so. She also referenced the Taylor Swift incident, which was incredibly rude. Katy Perry’s fake ass should apologize for her ridiculous behavior and hand in her wig, since Kanye was benevolent enough to let it sit on her head after that basic ass comment.
With the shitshow that these four bitches provided, I can’t imagine what next year will have in store for us. Hopefully some of these flops are long forgotten and MTV can provide us with more terrible material for us to laugh at.