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July 15, 2011
Basic Bitches in Literature - Harry Potter’s Hogwarts

This weekend, we see one of the world’s most famous movie franchises end. In honor of the release of the Deathly Hallows, I’d like to give you a heads up. Being that many Harry Potter fans like to pretend like they’re enrolled in Hogwarts and want to be in a certain house over the others, one should keep in mind that one of the houses is much more basic than the others. In fact, I’m pretty sure most graduates of Hogwarts who are placed in this house either become janitors at the Ministry of Magic or live bait for He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named.

Be forewarned: If you’re going to pretend like you’re a student at Hogwarts, let it not be Hufflepuff, the most basic of the Hogwarts houses. Secondly, I suggest you chill the fuck out and stop taking Harry Potter so seriously.

So why is Hufflepuff the house of the basic bitches? Well, let’s think about the information we know regarding the Hufflepuff house and its inhabitants. Let’s start with the emblem animal. It’s a fucking BADGER. Slytherin gets serpents, Ravenclaw gets a Raven, Gryffindor gets a lion and Hufflepuff gets a fucking badger. In the wild, I’m pretty sure the badger is possible lunch for all the other animals. In fact, I’m pretty sure the badger is one of nature’s bottommost bitches. Sure, we have the honey badger, but I doubt any of the basic bitches in Hufflepuff would even stand a chance against a deaf, blind and dumb honey badger, much less come to represent one.

Another piece of evidence we have is the horcrux Voldemort chose from Hufflepuff to use: Helga Hufflepuff’s cup. Not a goblet, nor a chalice, a cup. To be honest, I’m surprised Harry and the gang even assumed that Voldemort would use something from the most basic of houses to encapsulate his soul. Shit, Voldemort probably thought no one would bother to check out Hufflepuff for anything of importance. A cup, though? Do you know how easy it is to break a cup? I shatter at least two a week drunkenly, maybe one soberly. The cup was even destroyed by Hermione with leftover basilisk poison. Seriously? Could JK Rowling make her indifference for Hufflepuff any more noticeable?

The only chance Hufflepuff has left at relevancy is its members. Unfortunately, its members are just as basic as the rest of Hufflepuff. Can you remember ONE important character from the house of Hufflepuff that actually made it all the way to the end of the series? The only two important (and I use the term ‘important’ VERY loosely) Hufflepuffs are Cedric Diggory and Tonks, both of which were used as scapegoats for Harry’s safety. In other words, the only thing being sorted into Hufflepuff will bring you is a future as a human shield.

So before you go into theaters this weekend, thinking that you’re going to look cool by saying that you’re a Hufflepuff, STOP and THINK. Don’t be the basic bitch at the theaters, as I’m sure there will be plenty of other losers there capable of taking on the basic bitch role for the night.

  1. ad-verbatim reblogged this from bbtoday and added:
    I just feel the need to defend the honor of my house because it always gets so much crap from those who do not take away...
  2. somnambulist-beats reblogged this from bbtoday
  3. bbtoday posted this
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